BANK ROBBERY:
I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO ROB A BANK,
I DON'T KNOW WHY. THE EXCITEMENT
OF PLANNING, EXECUTION AND GETTING
AWAY WITH IT.
YOU COME HOME TURN ON THE NEWS,
AND THEY'RE REPORTING THAT THE SUSPECTS
GOT AWAY AND THEY HAVE NO LEADS.YOU'RE
RUNNING AROUND IN YOUR PANTIES,WAVING
YOUR GUNS IN THE AIR SCREAMING
TO THE WORLD I'M A BAD M*%$#R F%#KER.
THEN YOU HAVE A CUP OF TEA AND GO TO BED.

THAT WOULD BE A SERIOUS ORGASMIC
EXPERIENCE, BACK OFF F.B.I. IT'S JUST A
FANTASY.

I WOULD WANT TO BE THE DRIVER,I COULD
NEVER BUST INTO A BANK AND TELL AN OLD
LADY TO HIT THE FLOOR...SHE WOULD SURELY
WET HER DEPENDS,FALSE TEETH AND PEE
WOULD BE EVERYWHERE...I COULDN'T DEAL
WITH THAT. I FELL IN PEE BEFORE ,IT'S NOT
PRETTY!

I'D ALSO WORRY ABOUT THAT RED DYE PACK
EXPLODING, NOT TO MENTION GETTING CAUGHT.
AND TEACHERS SAYING "I KNEW SHE WOULD
END UP BEHIND BARS ONE DAY."
SHE HAS ALWAYS BEEN A REBEL WITHOUT A CAUSE.
MRS. BRYANT AND MISS DeBEAU,AND MISS MORGAN
THE GYM TEACHER YOU MADE FEEL SPECIAL...I'M GOING
TO LEAVE IT AT THAT.MRS SEALY
I REMEMBER LYING ON A MAT IN 1ST GRADE...
THINKING I HAVE TO GO THROUGH 12 YEARS OF THIS SHIT!

I GUESS I'M GOING TO MAKE MY MONEY THE OLD
FASHION WAY,MARRY AN OLD RICH MAN.

YEP! TRYING TO FIND A RICH 90 YEAR OLD MAN
SHOULD BE EASY,LIKE SUNDAY MORNING.
IF THAT BASTARD... I MEAN MY SWEETIE LIVES TO
BE A 100, I WILL END UP ON DATELINE, I SWEAR!
OOPS! WAS THAT EVIDENCE?...

I KNOW JUST WHERE TO LOOK,CONVALESCENT HOSPITALS
RETIREMENT HOMES,THE RACE TRACK ,STRIP CLUBS,
HOW DO THE ELDERLY ROLL? I HAVE NO CLUE.BUT I THINK
THOSE ARE GOOD PLACES TO START.

I KNOW DEPENDS ARE IN THE MIX
AND POSSIBLY BEING MEANER THAN
A JUNK YARD DOG.I CAN DEAL WITH A GRUMPY
OLD GEEZER,THE HARD PART WILL BE SEEING
HIM NAKED,BUT THAT CAN BE REMEDIED.

WE'LL JUST KEEP THE LIGHTS OFF,AND THE
CURTAINS CLOSED. I'LL WEAR MY SUNGLASSES
AT NIGHT THAT WILL HELP,AND I CAN ALWAYS
DUCT TAPE MY EYES SHUT,THAT STUFF HAS SO
MANY USES.I'LL TELL HIM IT'S A BEAUTY TREATMENT
FOR MY EYES.
SOUNDS LIKE A PLAN TO ME.:)

P.S. PIMPS, YOU SAY IT'S HARD OUT HERE BEING
A PIMP...I BEG TO DIFFER, I THINK IT'S WAY
HARDER BEING A GOLD DIGGER.
ANNA NICOLE,YOU HAVE SHOWN ME THE LIGHT,
REST IN PEACE.

MASTERBATION:
I JUST DON'T KNOW WHY I HAVE
THIS ON MY MIND? IT'S NOT LIKE I DO
IT OR ANYTHING.

WOMEN ,THERE IS A NEW WAY OF MASTERBATING,
SIT DOWN DON'T GET EXCITED,STOP SALIVATING
CALM DOWN!

IT'S CALLED THE SLIP N' SLIDE,WILL YOU PLEASE
CALM DOWN,IT MAY NOT BE FOR YOU.

WARNING: THIS COULD RUIN YOUR BED,BATH& BEYOND
COLLECTION.

YOU WRAP A BUNCHED UP TOWEL WITH SARAN WRAP,
AND LUBRICATE IT WITH A SAFE OIL. ARE YOU GETTING HOT?
PLACE IT BETWEEN YOUR LEGS ALONG WITH A FEW PILLOWS,
UNDER IT.
SQUEEZE VERY TIGHTLY WITH THE SARAN WRAPPED TOWEL,
ALMOST WORKING IT'S WAY INTO YOUR VAGINA.

A ROCKING MOTION AS YOU GO BACK AND FORTH WILL
GIVE YOU A SERIOUS ORGASMIC EXPERIENCE.

ADDING SARAN WRAP TO THE GROCERY LIST,
I'LL TRY ANYTHING ONCE.
I PREFER ALUMINUM FOIL IT SEEMS SAFER
PLUS IT'S SHINY,AND ISN'T,IT A MINERAL?
I KNOW SOME OF YOU LIKE IT
ROUGH, BUT NEVER EVER USE SANDPAPER...
TALK ABOUT "LOVE BEING A HURTING THING."

THIS HAS BEEN A PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT...

OH MY GAWD!
I'M SO EXCITED AND I JUST CAN'T HIDE IT
I'M ABOUT TO LOSE CONTROL AND I THINK I LIKE IT!

ARE YOU SITTING DOWN,REALLY ARE YOU SITTING DOWN?
WELL IF YOU'RE NOT, SIT DOWN DAMN IT!
BREAKING NEWS HAS COME TO JAZZ COFFEE.

I...I...I...I...RECEIVED OBAMA'S AUTOGRAPH TODAY,
YES JESUS LOVES ME.:)

WHEN HE BECOMES PRESIDENT IT'LL BE WORTH
MILLIONS WELL MAYBE THOUSANDS.
I DON'T CARRY IT ON ME ,SO DON'T THINK ABOUT
HITTING ME IN THE HEAD AND ROBBING ME.

HOWEVER I AM A REASONABLE PERSON, SO TELL
YOU WHAT I'M GONNA DO. I'LL LET YOU TOUCH IT
FOR $100.00, HEY A SISTAH HAS TO MAKE MONEY!
EMAIL ME...SMOOTCHES & HUGS.

ARE YOU IN LOVE OR IN LUST?
I DON'T USUALLY TAKE ON SUCH
HEADY TOPICS AS THIS ,BUT HERE GOES.

IN LOVE: YOU THINK ABOUT THEM ALL THE TIME.
IN LUST: YOU THINK ABOUT THEM ALL THE TIME.

IN LOVE: YOU WANT THEM IN THE SACK SO BAD.
IN LUST: YOU WANT THEM IN THE SACK SO BAD.

IN LOVE: YOU WORSHIP THE GROUND THEY WALK ON.
IN LUST: YOU WORSHIP THE GROUND THEY WALK ON.

IN LOVE: YOUR BRAIN GOES HAYWIRE WHEN THEY'RE NEAR.
IN LUST: YOUR BRAIN GOES HAYWIRE WHEN THEY'RE NEAR.

DAMN IT! IT'S NO WONDER I'M HAVING RELATIONSHIP
PROBLEMS,I CAN'T TELL THE DIFFERENCE.:(
OPRAH, DR.PHIL,DR. LAURA ,TYRA BANKS
ANYBODY OUT THERE? ...HELP!

OBAMA...WE DID IT!
NOW CAN WE TALK?

FORGET ABOUT THE VOTERS AND THE
SUPER DELEGATES, I'M THE REASON YOU
ARE WHERE YOU ARE TODAY IN MY HUMBLE
OPINION...RECOGNIZE!

I MENTIONED THIS EARLIER HOW
I WOULD LIKE TO BRING HOTTIES
TO THE WHITE HOUSE.
I CONTRIBUTED $100.00 TOWARD
YOUR CAMPAIGN, AND I DEMAND SATISFACTION.
I COULD HAVE AT LEAST BOUGHT A TANK OF
GAS WITH THAT.

I WON'T BE A BOTHER, I'LL SPEND MOST OF MY TIME
IN THE ROSE GARDEN...I LOVE FLOWERS.

I WANT TO STAY IN THE LINCOLN BEDROOM,
I HOPE IT HAS STEREO AND CABLE.
I CANNOT MISS- TOP CHEF,IRON CHEF AND RERUNS
OF SPONGEBOB SQUARE PANTS,HEY HE RELAXS ME
WHAT CAN I SAY?

I'M NOT COMPARING THE WHITE HOUSE WITH
MOTEL 6, BUT PLEASE LEAVE THE LIGHT ON.
I DON'T WANT TO SPEND ALL NIGHT LOOKING
FOR MY ROOM,
AND DON'T FORGET TO PUT THE KEY UNDER THE
WELCOME MAT... THAT'S IT FOR NOW,CARRY ON.:)

WHEN THE "F" WORD IS APPROPRIATE,
WHY DO PEOPLE GET SO UPSET? THERE
ARE TIMES WHEN THE "F" WORD JUST MAKES SENSE,
FOR INSTANCE...

WHAT THE "F" WAS THAT?--MAYOR OF HIROSHIMA

WHERE DID ALL THESE F'ING INDIANS COME FROM?
--GENERAL CUSTER

E=MC2 ANY F'ING IDIOT COULD UNDERSTAND THAT
--ALBERT EINSTEIN

YOU WANT WHAT ON THE F'ING CEILING?--MICHAELANGELO

I NEED THIS PARADE LIKE I NEED A F'ING HOLE IN MY HEAD
--JOHN F. KENNEDY

WHO IN THE "F" DOES HILLARY THINK SHE IS?--JOHN McCAIN
WHO IN THE "F" DOES McCAIN THINK HE IS? --HILLARY CLINTON
F'EM BOTH!--I'M THE NEXT PRESIDENT--BARACK OBAMA

SCATTERED F'ING SHOWERS MY ASS!--NOAH

SPECIAL NOTE:
MONTANA & SOUTH DAKOTA,LET'S DO THIS!
ALL ABOARD THE OBAMA TRAIN...

''F'' YOU SOUTH DAKOTA,SEE WHAT I MEAN?
AND FOR THOSE WHO THINK THAT WAS
INAPPROPRIATE "F" YOU TOO!.. IT JUST
ROLLS OFF THE TONGUE. "F YOU,F YOU ,
F YOU...I THINK I JUST FOUND A NEW MANTRA.:)