I USE TO BE WHITE!

YES I WAS A LIGHT SKINNED BLACK KID, THEY USE
TO CALL ME MELLOW YELLOW.
ONE DAY I CAME HOME FROM SCHOOL AND TOLD MY MOTHER
THAT MY TEACHER WAS WHITE LIKE US.

ALL I CAN REMEMBER IS MY MOTHER TREATING
ME, LIKE A DUMBASS FROM THAT DAY FORWARD.
I WAS AROUND 8 OR 9 MAYBE YOUNGER.

THIS BAD TEEN ROSA LIVED ACROSS THE STREET FROM US
AND SHE WAS SO BLACK SHE WAS BLUE.
ANYWAY I WAS A BOLD WHITE KID,SO I THOUGHT,
THAT CALLED HER BLACK, NOT THE N' WORD. SHE
TOOK OFF RUNNING AFTER ME LIKE I JUST KILLED
HER FAMILY. THANK GAWD BY THE TIME I CIRCLED
THE BLOCK I RAN INTO MOM WHO WAS ARRIVING
HOME FROM WORK.

SHE DOESN'T REALIZE TO THIS DAY
THAT SHE SAVED MY LIFE...ROSA WAS GETTING READY
TO GIVE ME A SERIOUS BEATDOWN.

I KNEW NOTHING OF THE N' WORD, UNTIL I GOT
OUT IN THE WORKING WORLD.
THANKS BOB,CHARLIE,BILL,DON,MYLA,HARRY,
BUD,RICHARD,JANET FOR KEEPING ME IN CHECK.
YOU NEVER FAILED TO REMIND ME THAT I WAS
A N####ER AND ACCORDING TO YOU SO WAS MUHAMMAD ALI,
OPRAH AND MARTIN LUTHER KING...I DIDN'T REALIZE I WAS IN
SUCH GREAT COMPANY.

I'VE GOTTEN A LITTLE DARKER I'M LIKE CARAMEL
COLORED NOW. I HAVE STOPPED USING THE TERMS
''GO BACK TO AFRICA", AND "THOSE PEOPLE"
AND STOPPED GIVING A BLACK FAMILY WHO
MOVES INTO THE NEIGHBORHOOD A BUCKET OF
FRIED CHICKEN AS A HOUSE WARMING GIFT.

IT'S OBVIOUS THAT MY MOTHER DROPPED ME ON MY
HEAD WHEN I WAS A BABY OR THREW ME AGAINST THE WALL.
I WAS A BREAST FED BABY AND SHE COMPLAINS TO THIS DAY
THAT I DIDN'T WANT TO GIVE IT UP(that explains a lot)
AND HOW I WOULD CRY.
SHE PROBABLY GOT SICK OF MY CRYING, AND THREW
ME AGAINST THE WALL. SUE ME I WAS A THIRSTY KID
AND NOW I'M A THIRSTY ADULT.

I SAW MY SISTER THROW ONE OF HER KIDS ACROSS THE
ROOM ,SO IT RUNS IN MY FAMILY.POOR YANCY HIS
HEAD HIT THE STEREO,THAT'S ALL I REMEMBER.
I PROBABLY RAN OUT TO PLAY,WHILE MY NEPHEW
WAS LAYING IN A POOL OF BLOOD.
OH YEA, I WAS WHITE DURING THOSE DAYS,
AND DIDN'T WANT TO BE CAUGHT UP IN NEGROS
PROBLEMS.

POSTING THIS JUST IN CASE I GET SENILE,
WHO WOULD WANT TO FORGET SUCH PRECIOUS
CHILDHOOD MEMORIES?

BREAKING NEWS:
MY MOTHER HAS TOLD ME FOR A LONG
TIME THAT I HAVE IRISH IN ME. I DIDN'T
WANT TO BELIEVE IT, THEY'RE NUTS!
(However it explains a lot)

THE FACT THAT I COULDN'T BE WEENED OFF
OF BREAST MILK IN A TIMELY FASHION, AND
NOW I HAVE IRISH BLOOD RUNNING THROUGH MY
VEINS. I NEED SOMEONE TO SPRINKLE SOME HOLY
WATER ON ME...AND E.T. THOUGHT HE HAD PROBLEMS,
SHOULD I CONTACT THE MAZAWIS OR THE McDOUGLES,
HOW IN THE F##k AM I GOING TO PHONE HOME?:(

ANAL SEX:

I'M NOT A PRUDE BUT I DON'T GET ANAL SEX,
ESPECIALLY STICKING YOUR TONGUE UP IN THERE.
I HEARD IT THROUGH THE GRAPEVINE, THAT YOU'RE
GOING TO GO THROUGH BOTTLES OF LISTERINE,AND
MAYBE SOME ANTI-BIOTICS, FOR WEEKS MAYBE EVEN
MONTHS...NEVER TASTE A BEHIND BEFORE IT'S TIME
AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS.

ANDREW ZIMMERN SAYS IF IT LOOKS GOOD EAT IT,
I SAY IF IT LOOKS GOOD...TAKE A PICTURE...IT LAST LONGER!
I WISH I HAD TAKEN A PICTURE OF THIS GREAT ASS I SEEN,
THERE WOULD BE NO MORE LONELY NIGHTS.
DID I JUST SAY THAT OUT LOUD?

I UNDERSTAND THAT IN THEORY IT MIGHT FEEL GOOD
TO HAVE 10 INCHES RAMMED UP YOUR ASS. BUT IT SEEMS
TO ME WHEN THE BANGING BEGINS IT WOULD PRESENT
PROBLEMS.
HEMMROIDS,CONSTIPATION,LOCKED BOWELS AND
THE WORSE THINGS OF ALL...WHEN YOUR HEAD GOES
THROUGH THE HEADBOARD,YOU RISK A CONCUSSION,
AND THE SCREAMING MY GAWD THE SCREAMING!

WAKING UP YOUR NEIGHBORS, THAT'S JUST DOWN
RIGHT INCONSIDERATE.
DAMN! I CAN STILL HEAR THE SCREAMS TO THIS DAY.
THANK GAWD WE WERE ONLY FRIENDS, WHO WOULD
PLAY CHESS SOMETIMES, OR I'D BE WALKING FUNNY.

THE ONLY THING THAT'S BEEN UP MY ASS IS A THERMOMETER
AND AS I REMEMBER I WASN'T CRAZY ABOUT THAT.
I'VE LIVED NEXT DOOR TO THE BACKDOOR MAN,
THE SCREAMING THAT WENT ON, WAS STRAIGHT OUT
OF A HORROR MOVIE. MY GAWD! ON A RAINY NIGHT,WITH
THUNDER AND LIGHTNING, ALL THAT WAS MISSING WAS
FREDDY KRUEGER. SOMETIMES I POPPED CORN,TO CALM
MY NERVES.
THANKS FOR THE MEMORIES ED.

ED I THOUGHT YOU WERE A KILLER
FOR A MINUTE, BECAUSE I NEVER SAW
THE SAME WOMAN TWICE.OH A COUPLE OF
TIMES I RAN INTO A FEW OF YOUR CONQUEST
AND THEY WERE WALKING FUNNY LIKE THEY
HAD BEEN F##KED BY A HORSE.NOW I KNOW YOU
WERE GIVING THEM BACKDOOR LOVE,
AND THE REASON I NEVER SAW THEM AGAIN IN MOST
CASES IS THAT,
THEY ENDED UP IN THE HOSPITAL THE NEXT DAY.

YOU WERE PACKIN', I COULD TELL YOU WERE HUNG
LIKE A TELEPHONE POLE...OUCH!
HOLY MOTHER OF MOSES! WHY AM I THINKING ABOUT
ANAL SEX ON THIS LOVELY SUNDAY AFTERNOON?

AND I HAVE THE NERVE TO THINK I'M NORMAL...

IT'S JUST EMOTION...
PEOPLE ARE ALWAYS QUESTIONING MY
TASTE IN MUSIC. SO I THOUGHT I WOULD
SPILL IT.
1. WHAT SONGS MAKE YOU HAPPY?
COME AND GET YOUR LOVE-REDBONE
TIME TO GET DOWN-O'JAYS
I'VE GOT LOVE FOR MY BABY-YOUNGHEARTS
IF YOU CAN WANT-SMOKEY AND THE MIRACLES
LET'S GET IT ON-MARVIN GAYE
DANCING IN THE MOONLIGHT-KING HARVEST

2.WHAT SONGS MAKE YOU SAD?
BLUE BAYOU-LINDA RONSTADT
THE BEGINNING OF THE END-UNIFICS
SINCE I LOST MY BABY-THE TEMPTATIONS

3.WHAT SONGS WOULD CAUSE YOU TO SHOOT THE RADIO?
DISCO DUCK-RICK DEES
COPACABANA-BARRY MANILOW
MACARENA-LOS DEL RIO...AND
ANYTHING BY CELINE DION OR MICHAEL BOLTON

4.WHAT SONGS DID YOUR PARENTS LIKE
THAT YOU PLAYED?
NONE OF THEM, WELL THERE WERE 3 EXCEPTIONS
MOM LIKED 1999-PRINCE AND ROCKET MAN-ELTON JOHN
TAKE IT TO THE LIMIT-EAGLES
MOST OF THE TIME SHE WAS YELLING TURN DOWN
THAT NOISE!

DAD LIKED THE BLUES, I NOW SEE WHY, BEING
MARRIED TO MY MOTHER...JUST KIDDING MOM!
PLEASE DON'T CUT ME OUT THE WILL, I'M SO
LOOKING FORWARD TO INHERITING YOUR CUP COLLECTION.


5.WHAT SONGS MAKES YOU WANT TO KICK ASS?
MAMA SAID KNOCK YOU OUT-L.L.COOL J
NOTHING BUT A G THANG-DR.DRE & SNOOP DOGG
FIGHT THE POWER-PUBLIC ENEMY

6.WHAT SONGS MAKE YOU WANT TO DANCE?
CRAZY IN LOVE-BEYONCE
HOT STUFF-DONNA SUMMER
NIGHT FEVER-BEE GEES
MY PEROGATIVE-BOBBY BROWN
LIKE A VIRGIN-MADONNA

7.WHAT SONGS PULLS YOUR HEART STRINGS?
BEST OF MY LOVE-EAGLES
LA LA MEANS I LOVE YOU-DELFONICS
CAN'T GET OVER LOSING YOU-DONNIE ELBERT
IF YOU LEAVE ME NOW-CHICAGO
DEAR MAMA-TUPAC SHAKUR

8.WHAT SONGS WOULD YOUR FRIENDS MAKE FUN
OF YOU IF THEY KNEW YOU LIKED THEM?
ISLANDS IN THE STREAM-DOLLY PARDON&KENNY RODGERS
SHE'S A LADY-TOM JONES
IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN-NEIL DIAMOND
LAUGHTER IN THE RAIN-NEIL SEDAKA
ICE ICE BABY-VANILLA ICE
DON'T IT MAKE MY BROWN EYES BLUE-CRYSTAL GAYLE
DANCING QUEEN-ABBA
HELLO IT'S ME-TODD RUNDGREN
MY SHARONA-THE KNACK
DON'T STOP BELIEVIN'-JOURNEY
THE LOGICAL SONG-SUPERTRAMP
DREAM POLICE-CHEAP TRICK
CUSTARD PIE-LED ZEPPELIN
LAST CHILD-AEROSMITH
FRIENDS IN LOW PLACES-GARTH BROOKS
BARBECUE STAIN-TIM McGRAW
ONCE IN A LIFETIME-TALKING HEADS
BLUE MONEY- VAN MORRISON
SWAYING TO THE MUSIC- JOHNNY RIVERS
NEVER GONNA GIVE YOU UP-RICK ASTLEY
DON'T YOU DARE JUDGE ME,DAMNIT!
I'M STILL COOL.:)

9.WHAT RAP OR HIP HOP SONGS ARE YOUR FAVORITES?
IT WAS A GOOD DAY-ICE CUBE
CHILDRENS STORY-SLICK RICK
SPEND THE NIGHT -GUY
IT TAKES TWO-ROB BASE &DJ ROCK
AIN'T NO HALF STEPPING-BIG DADDY KANE
CALIFORNIA LOVE-TUPAC SHAKUR -DR.DRE
O.P.P.-NAUGHTY BY NATURE
CREEP-TLC
SHOOP-SALT & PEPPA
MY PONY-GINUWINE
HUMPTY DANCE-DIGITAL UNDERGROUND
PUMP IT HOTTIE-REDHEAD KINGPIN
BABY GOT BACK-SIR-MIX-A-LOT
WE GOT OUR OWN THANG-HEAVY D & THE BOYZ
TREAT ME RIGHT- CHUBB ROCK
BACK & FORTH-ALIYAH
TOUCH ME,TEASE ME-CASE,FOXY BROWN,MARY J. BLIGE
MAKE YOU SWEAT-KEITH SWEAT

10.WHAT SONGS DID YOU ENJOY AT LIVE CONCERTS?
HUNGRY HEART-BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN
MOVING IN STEREO-THE CARS
JUMP-VAN HALEN
AC/DC-AIN'T NO FUN WAITING ROUND TO BE A MILLIONAIRE
ROD STEWART- HOT LEGS
PRINCE-LITTLE RED CORVETTE
U2-I STILL HAVEN'T FOUND WHAT I'M LOOKING FOR

11. WHAT SONGS DO YOU CRINGE AT WHEN YOU HEAR THEM,
BECAUSE THEY HAVE BAD MEMORIES?
PLEASE RETURN YOUR LOVE TO ME-TEMPTATIONS
MY FIRST LOVE,MY FIRST BREAK UP.

BUST A MOVE-YOUNG M.C.
I WAS PULLED OVER BY THE COPS IN SOUTH
CENTRAL WHILE IT WAS ON THE RADIO.I HEARD
IT THE OTHER DAY AND ALMOST PEED ON MYSELF.
THEY BUSTED A MOVE ON MY ASS!:(

SPECIAL NOTE:
I PLAYED THE NYQUIL DEFENSE CARD,
AND SQUASHED THAT NOISE. I EXPLAINED
I HAD A COLD AND HOW ALCOHOL DOESN'T
TASTE GOOD WHEN YOU'RE SICK. I HAD JUST
HAD 2 OF THOSE SMALL CUPS OF NYQUIL.

DAMN! I WAS QUICK ON MY FEET TO HAVE
JUST CONSUMED ENOUGH LIQUOR THAT
WOULD HAVE YOU CALLING THE WHITE HOUSE
AND THREATENING THE PRESIDENTS LIFE.

NOW I CAN TELL THE TRUTH IT WAS VODKA
AND I FORGET WHAT ELSE.
5 DRUNK BITCHES IN THE CAR AND I DECIDE
TO DRIVE.
FIRESTONE STATION ON 79TH AND AVALON
YOU SCARED THE HELL OUT OF ME, AND I
KNOW I APPEARED TO BE CRYING LIKE A BABY, BUT
I PLAYED YOU, AND YOU THOUGHT THOSE
WERE REAL TEARS HA!

JUST THINKING... MAYBE YOU GUYS WON TOO,
I CANNOT LISTEN TO" BUST A MOVE" WITHOUT
THINKING OF THAT FATEFUL NIGHT.
DAMN IT! THAT WAS MY JAM:(

YOUR BEST FRIEND HARRY HAS A BROTHER LARRY
IN FIVE DAYS FROM NOW HE' GOING TO MARRY
HE'S HOPIN' YOU CAN MAKE IT THERE IF YOU CAN
'CAUSE IN THE CEREMONY YOU'LL BE THE BEST MAN
YOU SAY "NEATO" ...CHECK YOUR LIBIDO
AND ROLL TO THE CHURCH IN YOUR NEW TUXEDO.

SCREW SHAKESPEARE...YOUNG M.C. RUNS RINGS
AROUND HIM.

JUST STROLLING DOWN MEMORY LANE:

IN MY EARLY 20's MY ACCOUNTANT ASK ME
IF I THOUGHT A MAN WHO LIKES TO SCREW
WOMEN IN THE ASS, WAS GAY.HE MUST HAVE BEEN
IN HIS 40's BECAUSE HE HAD GREY HAIR IN HIS
BEARD.

I DON'T REMEMBER MY RESPONSE BUT NOW
LOOKING BACK,AND HAVING SEEN
"BROKE BACK MOUNTAIN" I WOULD SAY
HELL YEA! COME ON TED YOU KNEW THE
TRUTH ALL THE TIME...THAT IS SO GAY.
NOT THAT THERE'S ANYTHING WRONG WITH THAT!

McCAIN YOU'RE SCREWED!

McCAIN PUT YOUR HEAD BETWEEN YOUR
LEGS AND KISS YOUR ASS GOOD BYE!
WHAT'S WITH THAT SWOLLEN JAW,
DID YOU HAVE YOUR MOUTH ON SOMETHING
THAT YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE?...

TODAY I TOOK MONEY OUT OF MY
SAVINGS ACCOUNT, ALL $16.00.
THAT'S MY NEST EGG,AND I WILL NOT
PUT IT AT RISK. BESIDES I CAN SHOP MY ASS OFF
AT THE 99 CENT STORE WITH THAT,AND
MY JAR OF QUARTERS ,CREDIT AT THE
LIQUOR STORE...LIFE IS GOOD...I GOT IT MADE.
I WILL SURVIVE...HEY,HEY!:)

MY OWN PERSONAL BAILOUT?

My name is David Ibrahim, a merchant in Oman. I have recently been
diagnosed with Esophageal cancer, which has defiled all medical
treatment. Expert diagnosis has shown that I have few months to live.

The intention of this email is to employ the expertise of a business
entrepreneur, who can identify a viable investment and guarantee
reasonable returns on my wealth. This is to secure a future for my 4
years old son who lost his mother during birth. I cannot rely on his
closest relatives any more, as they did not show responsible behaviour
two years ago when I entrusted half of my wealth to them to invest on
his behalf. They thought I wouldn’t survive the operation and then
used the money for their personal needs.

To prevent any more mishaps, my attorney will act as a check,
monitoring every aspect of the investment. Funds should be split in
half and distributed to charity organisation and the other half, as
investment for my son.

If this interests you, please reach me on the email address:
david.ibrahim@mcom.com to discuss terms and compensation.

Kind regard
David Ibrahim

I HOPE THIS IS THE REAL DEAL HOLYFIELD,
AND NOT A SCAM.
YOU WOULDN'T SCREW A DECENT UPSTANDING
ANGEL LIKE ME WOULD YOU DAVID? F##k WITH
ME AND YOU'RE GONNA WISH YOU WERE DEAD.
I'LL COVER YOUR BALLS WITH HONEY, AND LET FIRE
ANTS LOOSE. I'LL TIE YOU UP AND PULL YOUR TOE
NAILS OFF WITH PLIERS. I'LL SEND YOU A NUDE
PICTURE OF WHOOPIE GOLDBERG...KAPISH!

DON'T F##k WITH ME,OR YOU WILL FIND OUT
WHAT IT SOUNDS LIKE "WHEN DOVES CRY"

ALL MY INFORMATION IS ON THE WAY, MY SOCIAL
SECURITY NUMBER, BANK ACCOUNT NUMBERS,
MY MOTHERS MAIDEN NAME AND OTHER PERTINENT
INFORMATION YOU'LL NEED. SORRY YOU'RE DYING
BUT WHEN IT'S YOUR TIME TO GO, IT'S YOUR TIME TO GO.

SHOUT OUT:
HENRY, HENRY PAULSON...YOU HAVE 700 BILLION
IN YOUR HOT LITTLE HANDS, JUST IN CASE THIS
DOESN'T WORK OUT,IN THE WORDS OF THE BOSS
CAN YOU"COVER ME"? IT WOULD BE CATASTROPHIC
IF I LOST MY JAR OF QUARTERS.:(

THE ECONOMY:
I'M NOT TRYING TO SCARE ANYONE,BUT
TAKE YOUR MONEY OUT THE BANK AND
PUT IT UNDER YOUR MATTRESS...NO PUT IT IN THE
FREEZER...NO PUT IT IN A SOFA PILLOW... NO BURY IT
IN THE BACKYARD.

I SLEEP WELL AT NIGHT KNOWING MY JAR OF
QUARTERS ARE SAFE, I'LL SURVIVE FOR AT LEAST
A WEEK. ONE DAY AT A TIME BABY!:)

I CARE ABOUT PEOPLE, SO MUCH I'M GOING TO GIVE YOU
MY RECEIPE FOR SOUP TO GET YOU THROUGH THESE
HARD TIMES.

DEPRESSION SOUP:
3 PACKS OF KETCHUP,(5 is better if you can afford it)
1 package of mustard,( gives it that zing)
2 cups of water
Salt & Pepper
Hot Sauce optional
Serves 2
unless you're around a greedy bastard!

ANOTHER TIP:
IF YOU RUN OUT OF TOILET PAPER,GRAB THE
PHONE BOOK. IT'S BIO DEGRADABLE AND THE
PAGES CAN BE FLUSHED.
IT'S NOT CHARMIN...BUT IT'LL DO IN A PINCH.

SIDE EFFECTS:
IF YOU'RE ALLERGIC TO INK, DON'T RISK IT,
YOU'LL BE SCRATCHING DOWN THERE
UNTIL"THE TWELFTH OF NEVER"
AND THAT'S A LONG LONG TIME.

THIS HAS BEEN A PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT.