ARE YOU SERIOUS, YOU'RE KIDDING RIGHT?

McCAIN YOU HAVE BECOME McTWIT,
PALIN IS NO HILLARY CLINTON.

YOUR SELECTION SMELLS OF DESPERATION,
EARLY ALZHEIMERS, AND JUST PLAIN
STUPIDITY.

PALIN IS THE GOVERNOR OF ALASKA?
A MONKEY CAN RUN THAT STATE OF PRIMITIVE
ESKIMOS. GOT DAMN! LET'EM ,EAT BLUBBER!
YOU GOT A WILDCAT ON YOUR
HANDS...A WOMAN WHO SHOOTS MOOSE...BULLWINKLE?
I GREW UP WITH BULLWINKLE AND I THINK IT'S
A DAMN SHAME.

IF YOU WERE TO DROP DEAD SHE COULDN'T
HANDLE THIS COUNTRY, IF SHE GOT DOWN ON HER
KNEES AND PRAYED TO JESUS.

IF YOU DID THIS TO SWAY HILLARY VOTERS YOU
HAVE F%*KED UP BIG TIME. EVEN BLONDES AREN'T
THIS STUPID, SHE IS NO HILLARY CLINTON.
RUNNING AROUND KILLING BULLWINKLES BABIES?

WHAT WERE YOU THINKING? THE FACT IS YOU
WEREN'T.
ALL I CAN SAY IS THANK YOU FOR OBAMA, HE HAS TOO MUCH
CLASS TO CALL YOU A DUMBASS,BUT I DON'T, DUMBASS!
HEY! I HAVE MY PINKIE OUT AS I TYPE THIS, DOES THAT
COUNT AS CLASS?

THE NATIONAL LIBRARY OF POETRY:
JULY 10,1995 (WONDERFUL VERSE!
ELECT FOR "THE SOUND OF POETRY"

YEP! ON TOP OF MY OTHER MUDANE
ACCOMPLISHMENTS, I'M LISTED IN A BOOK
SOMEWHERE. I CAN'T REMEMBER WHAT I WAS
DOING BACK THEN TO WRITE WHAT I WROTE.

I JUST FOUND THIS IN A STASHED BUNCH OF
PAPERS, I HAD FORGOTTEN ABOUT IT.

LET ME SHARE WITH YOU,MY MOMENT
OF BRILLIANCE.

THE RESTLESS HEART
AWAITS BY THE DOOR
SILENT STRANGERS
WHISPERS ROAR

LOUD AS THUNDER
ECHOS PLAY ON
INSIDE THE SILENCE
FOREVER GONE

EYES CAST STARES
SHARP AS SWORDS
STAND AS ONE
EDUCE IN WAR

THE AVALANCHE OF VOICES
ROLL AIMLESSLY
OUT THROUGH THE IN DOOR
EMBRACED BY ETERNITY.
WHAT THE F%#k AM I TALKING ABOUT?
I HAVE NO CLUE,WELL IT'S BEEN PUBLISHED
IN A BOOK, SO IT MUST MEAN SOMETHING.

ALL I CAN THINK OF IS, SOMEBODY WAS
DRIVING ME OUT OF MY MIND,OR IT COULD
HAVE BEEN THE RED BULL I WAS FOND OF DRINKING.
IF I COULD TURN BACK THE HANDS OF TIME,
TO CREATE ANOTHER MASTERPIECE,I WOULD
THE WORLD NEEDS MY NONSENSE.

OH MY GAWD!

WE'RE GOING TO HAVE A MICHELE IN THE
WHITE HOUSE...BE AFRAID BE VERY AFRAID.

WOOT WOOT! MICHELLE THAT WAS A DYNAMIC
SPEECH, I ALMOST PEED ON MYSELF.
ON TOP OF EVERYTHING ELSE YOU LOOK SO HOT!

DOING CARTWHEELS...OUCH! JUST KNOCKED
OVER THE CABLE BOX.
DID I MENTION YOU ARE HOT?
YA'LL OWE ME A CABLE BOX,YOU CAN AFFORD IT.:)

DON'T LET ME HAVE TO TAKE THE PRESIDENT
ON JUDGE JUDY...I SWEAR I WILL!

A LESSON ON WIPING YOUR ASS:
I WAS WATCHING OPRAH AND DR. OZ
WAS ON, FOR SOME REASON OPRAH IS
FASCINATED WITH POOP. ANYWAY HE
SAID THAT SOME WOMEN DON'T KNOW
HOW TO WIPE PROPERLY...WTF?

HE SAID A WOMAN SHOULD ALWAYS WIPE
FRONT TO BACK, NOT BACK TO FRONT...WTF?

YOU MEAN THERE ARE WOMEN WHO DON'T
KNOW HOW TO WIPE PROPERLY...WTF?

THIS SHOULD BE A QUESTION ASKED BEFORE
YOU GET INVOLVED,WITH A HOTTIE.
IF THEY SAY BACK TO FRONT...STEP AWAY
KISS THEM GOODBYE IN AN EMAIL,
BUY A MONTHS SUPPLY OF LISTERINE
ANTIBIOTICS AND PENICILLAN WOULDN'T HURT.

I HEARD THE TASTE GOES AWAY AFTER
A MONTH ...BUT THE MEMORIES ARE THERE FOREVER.:(
GOT TO GO THROW UP NOW, JUST THINKING
ABOUT IT.

THIS HAS BEEN A PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT.

OBAMA...LISTEN UP...
IT'S BEING SAID THAT YOU WILL
ANNOUNCE YOUR V.P. SATURDAY.

AS A CONTRIBUTOR TO YOUR CAMPAIGN,
I HAVE TO GIVE YOU MY OPINION...
I'VE GOT 2 WORDS FOR YOU "HILLARY CLINTON"
YOU NEED HER...WE ARE READY FOR A BITCH
IN THE WHITE HOUSE..AS A MATTER OF FACT
WE NEED A BITCH IN THE WHITE HOUSE.
BITCHES RULE!

THIS HAS BEEN A PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT...

I HAVE A DREAM:
THAT ONE DAY I WILL FIND TRUE LOVE.

I'VE DONE IT ALL, BEEN IN MOVIES,WROTE
A SONG THAT CHARTED ON BILLBOARDS
R&B CHARTS,KISSED MUHAMMAD ALI AND
EVEN PEED IN A VOLCANO IN HAWAII.

I'M JUST LOOKING FOR TRUE LOVE THESE
DAYS.I WANT TO STOP AND SMELL THE ROSES
WITH SOMEONE,IT'S HARD TO SMELL A ROSE
IN A CONCRETE JUNGLE.

I'LL WORK 3 JOBS FOR MY SWEETIE.
OKAY MAYBE 2 JOBS.
WELL MAYBE 1 JOB.
ALLRIGHT ALREADY! GOT DAMMIT!
I'LL DUST AROUND THE HOUSE,
THE THINGS WE DO FOR LOVE...GEEZ!

THAT MAN OF MINE:

OBAMA YOU EMAIL ME EVERY OTHER DAY,
ABOUT UPCOMING EVENTS OR TO DONATE
MORE MONEY.

LOOK I'VE ALREADY GIVEN ONE HUNDRED
FIFTY DOLLARS AND 25 CENTS.
I EXPECT A LOT OF THINGS FROM THAT
CONTRIBUTION. IF I GIVE ANYMORE , YOU'RE
GOING TO HAVE TO LET ME THROW A PARTY
IN THE OVAL OFFICE.

AT THE VERY LEAST LET ME BRING A HOTTIE
ON AIR FORCE ONE...AND JOIN THE MILE HIGH CLUB,
SOMETHINGS GOTTA GIVE! ;)

A LETTER TO MYSELF:
AS A TEENAGER YOU WERE AN IDIOT,
ARE YOU READY TO COME TO TERMS
WITH THAT?

WAS IT SMART- TO PLAY WITH RUBBING
ALCOHOL ON THE STOVE, AND ALMOST
BURN DOWN THE HOUSE.WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?

WAS IT SMART-TO RIDE YOUR BIKE WITH YOUR
HANDS IN THE AIR...YOU COULD HAVE BEEN KILLED.
YOU GOT OFF EASY WITH A COUPLE OF BRUISES,
A PERMANENT SCAR,AND A BUSTED LIP.
ALWAYS TRYING TO BE COOL.

WAS IT SMART- TO THROW ROCKS AT A BEEHIVE?
THOSE BEES CHASED YOUR DUMBASS HOME,
THAT MUST HAVE BEEN A SIGHT WATCHING
3 KIDS RUNNING DOWN LA BREA BEING CHASED
BY BEES.

WAS IT SMART- FOR YOU AND 4 FRIENDS TO WALK
FROM FREMONT HIGH TO DOWNTOWN L.A.
WITHOUT ANY MONEY? WE SEPARATED AND
ME AND LINDA RAN INTO MY MOTHER GETTING
OFF FROM WORK.SHE PAYED OUR BUSFARE
HOME NOT ONLY DID WE DITCH SCHOOL,I GOT BUSTED,
AND WE WERE FACING WALKING 79 BLOCKS HOME AND
IT WAS GETTING DARK.

WAS IT SMART- WHEN YOUR MOTHER SENT YOU
DOWNTOWN FOR NEW SHOES , WHAT DID YOU DO?
YOU LET A CON ARTIST TALK YOU INTO BUYING
A LEATHER COAT. DO OR DIE YOU JUST HAD TO HAVE
A LEATHER COAT.
I BET YOU WOULD HAVE SOLD YOUR MOTHER
FOR A LEATHER COAT.
ME-PROBABLY, SHE DIDN'T DRINK OR SMOKE,
I PROBABLY COULD HAVE GOTTEN SOME OF
THAT GOOD ITALIAN LEATHER FOR HER,
POSSIBILITIES!


HE TOOK YOUR LITTLE DUMBASS TO A HOTEL , YOU
GAVE HIM YOUR MONEY, AND HE TOLD YOU TO
WAIT DOWNSTAIRS. WHILE HE DISAPPEARED
UP A SPIRAL STAIRCASE. AFTER WAITING FOR
OVER AND HOUR,YOU REALIZED YOU WERE SCREWED.
YOU WENT BACK HOME ON THE BUS, WITHOUT SHOES,
WITHOUT A LEATHER JACKET,CRYING LIKE A BABY.

IT WAS HARD FOR MOM TO TRUST ME AGAIN WITH
MONEY, BUT SHE DID AND AGAIN I LET HER DOWN
BY GETTING AN EXPENSIVE SPORTS CAR THAT,
TURNED OUT TO BE A BIG LEMON,
MOM GOTTA CHANCE TO SAY"I TOLD YOU SO"
AGAIN! TEEN YEARS, SCORE...MOM HUNDREDS
OF TIMES...ME ZERO.

GAWD I USE TO HATE WHEN THAT HAPPENED!
COULDN'T I BE RIGHT SOMETIMES?:(



I DIDN'T MAKE GOOD DESCISIONS UNTIL I HIT
MY 20's ,WHEN I DECIDED NOT TO EAT PORK,
AND TO ALWAYS BUY DOUBLE PLY TOILET
TISSUE. 1 PLY OUGHT TO BE AGAINST THE LAW!
OH THE HUMANITY!


NOTE TO SELF:
I'VE LEARNED A LOT,AND I AM SO OVER
LEATHER JACKETS...IT'S NOT MEANT TO BE.:(

I WOULDN'T DARE THROW ROCKS EVER AGAIN
AT A BEEHIVE...THAT WAS A VERY STRESSFUL
SITUATION. WHEN WE GOT HOME, A BEE WAS
IN MY HAIR... THAT LITTLE MUTHA WAS TRYING
TO KILL ME.
I'VE ALSO LEARNED NEVER TO HIT PEOPLE,
THEY MIGHT HIT YOU BACK,AND I BRUISE
EASY.

TALK ABOUT TEENAGE WASTELAND!

TAKE IT TO THE LIMIT...one more time

I SWEAR I'LL NEVER EVER DRINK WINE AGAIN!
MY NEPHEW CALLED YESTERDAY,I CALLED
HIM BACK HOURS LATER. THE NEXT DAY
I CALL MYSELF RETURNING HIS CALL,
AND HE SAID WE TALKED A WHILE LAST NIGHT,
WHAT THE F%#K?

I HAVE NO MEMORY OF TALKING TO HIM,
LAST NIGHT, I DON'T REMEMBER ANYTHING
ABOUT THE CONVERSATION.

I ORDERED SOME HAWAIIAN ITEMS,GUAVA JELLY,
PANKO BREAD CRUMBS, MACADAMIA NUTS AND
BANANA MACADAMIA PANCAKE MIX.
I WAS SO EXCITED TO GET MY BOX OF GOODIES,
I LOVES ME SOME GUAVA JELLY.

THE NEXT DAY: GUAVA JELLY IS ALL OVER
THE DINING ROOM FLOOR,AND THE JAR IS EMPTY,
IT'S ON THE WALLS, ON THE REFRIGERATOR.
WHAT THE F%#K?

I DON'T REMEMBER WHAT HAPPENED,AND I DON'T
REMEMBER TASTING IT.:(

OH OH! I HAVE A EXTENSIVE COLLECTION OF TEQUILAS.
CABO WABO -REPOSADO
CAVA ANTIQUA-REPOSADO
DON JULIO-ANEJO
PATRON-SILVER BLANCO
I'M SKEERED IF I DRINK THOSE,
WHAT WILL HAPPEN, TO THE MACADAMIA
NUTS? THEY'RE ROUND LIKE BIG
MARBLES AND I HAVE A SLINGSHOT.
WILL I CALL THE WHITE HOUSE
TALKING SHIT?
WILL I RUN OVER A PUPPY AND LEAVE THE SCENE?
WILL I SNATCH SOMEONES WIG OFF THEIR HEAD
AND TELL THEM TO BE THEMSELVES?
ME+ALCOHOL=DISASTER

NO MORE WINE FOR ME!

MYSTERY SOLVED!
THIS HAS BOTHERED ME FOR YEARS,
WHO STOLE MY LEATHER JACKET AT
CONTINENTAL GRAPHICS IN REDONDO BEACH?

MY MOTHER GAVE ME A COOL LEATHER JACKET,
AT WORK WE HAD LOCKERS...BUT WE NEVER
LOCKED THEM BECAUSE WE WERE ALL FRIENDS.

USUAL SUPECTS:
THERE WERE ONLY 7 WOMEN WHO HAD ACCESS
TO THE LOCKER AREA.
1. WHITE GIRLS-SALLY & KRISTINA, CHERYL
SALLY WAS TOO FAT TO FIT IT, BESIDES
WE BOUGHT EACH OTHER THE BEST
CHRISTMAS GIFTS.SHE BOUGHT ME CRYSTAL AND
I BOUGHT HER STAR-TREK CELLS
SHE WAS A SCI -FI NUT. KRISTINA
AND I USE TO GO OUT DRINKING TOGETHER.
WHEN IT WASN'T POPULAR FOR A BLACK AND
WHITE GIRL TO HANG AROUND TOGETHER
THE OTHER WHITE PEOPLE WOULD ACT CRAZY
SEEING US TOGETHER. SHE WOULD
LET ME BORROW HER ROLLING STONES ALBUMS,
AND TRIED TO GET ME INTO THE SEX PISTOLS.
IT DIDN'T WORK, I WAS INTO TO SPRINGSTEEN.
SHE WAS SO DAMN GOOD LOOKING BLONDE
BLUE EYED WITH A BRAIN, BUT SHE WASN'T MY
CUP OF TEA IF I WANTED TO GO IN THAT
DIRECTION,IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN:)

CHERYL- WE COULDN'T STAND EACH OTHER,
I KNOCKED A CAN OF CHILI OUT OF HER HAND
ONE DAY, AND SHE ACTUALLY HIT ME.
I RESPECTED HER FOR THAT, CUZ I COULD
HAVE OPENED A CAN OF WHOOP ASS ON HER. THAT
WAS PROBABLY THE BRAVEST THING SHES EVER DONE,
IN HER LIFE .TANGLE WITH ME, BRAVO CHERYL!
LAST TIME I HEARD CHERYL WAS LIVING IN PEACE
WITH HER 15 CATS. SO I WON RIGHT?
CAN YOU BELIEVE SHE INVITED ME AND SALLY
OVER TO DINNER AFTER THAT... CAT HAIR EVERYWHERE
I DIDN'T EAT. BLONDE BLUE EYES HAVE CLASS MY ASS!

2.JAPANESE- BETTY SHE WORKED IN THE OFFICE
SHE MADE MORE MONEY THAN I DID...SHE DIDN'T
NEED MY LEATHER JACKET.

3.ITALIANS: MYLA , SHE COULDN'T FIT IT,
FATASS PASTA EATING WITCH.
SHE USE TO TELL ME TALES OF HER HUSBAND
HOLDING HER HEAD UNDER THE SHEETS WHEN
HE FARTED.
YES THAT'S THE REASON I'M NOT MARRIED,
HOMEY DON'T PLAY THAT!

4. MEXICANS: ELLE AND LINDA HER SISTER,
ONCE GAVE ME A CHRISTMAS GIFT,
A SALT AND PEPPER SET MINUS THE PEPPER.
ONE SALT SHAKER IN THE FORM OF A ROOSTER.
i DIDN'T THINK TO MUCH OF IT THEN, BUT WHO
IN THE F%#K ROLLS LIKE THAT? NATIVE AMERICAN
CLARA- WE WERE TIGHT , BUT ONE DAY SHE
PEED ON HERSELF WHILE TALKING TO THE BOSS.
ON HER BREAKS SHE WOULD DRINK BEER.

THE FRIENDSHIP WAS OVER, BUT MY JACKET WAS
STOLEN BEFORE THAT INNCIDENT,BUT I COULDN'T
BE ASSOCIATED WITH A PISS HEAD.


ELEMENTARY MY DEAR WATSON:
ELLE STOLE MY JACKET, HOPE IT MADE YOU HAPPY
THROUGH THE YEARS.
IT FITTED YOU, YOU CAME IN THE NEXT DAY HAPPIER
THAN A LARK.

I BET YOU'RE A GREASY FAT M%#**R F%*KER.
NOW.

HEY! I HAD TO GET THIS OFF MY CHEST,
THAT JACKET MEANT THE WORLD TO ME,
MY MOTHER DIDN'T SPEND MONEY EASY.

NEXT...MAYBE!
HOW I WAS RIPPED OFF AS A TEENAGER
IN DOWNTOWN L.A. AND SAW THE BASTARD
CROSSING THE STREET YEARS LATER.
I SHOULD HAVE PUT THE PEDAL TO THE METAL.
IT INVOLVES A LEATHER COAT, WHAT IS IT WITH ME
AND LEATHER COATS? MAYBE I SHOULD STICK WITH
SUEDE.