DAMN IT, DAMN IT, DAMN IT...

TODAY WAS ONE OF THE SADDEST DAYS
OF MY LIFE... TEARING UP...:(
I TRY TO TELL MYSELF I NEEDED A CHANGE
ANYWAY, BUT I STILL REMAIN DEVASTATED.

I WOULDN'T WISH THIS ON MY WORSE ENEMY.
LET ME GET A HOLD OF MYSELF AND TELL YOU
WHAT HAPPENED...

I LOST MY FAVORITE SUNGLASSES...WHY ME?
EVER SINCE A YOUNG WHITE TEENAGER AT WALGREENS
TOLD ME HOW COOL THEY WERE I'VE WORN THEM.
I FELT COOL IN THEM, AND ISN'T THAT ALL THAT
MATTERS IS TO BE COOL?
LIFE I NOT WORTH LIVING IF YOU'RE NOT COOL,
WELL THAT'S MY OPINION.

I'VE LOOKED EVERYWHERE,I FOUND A COLORING BOOK
AND CRAYONS THAT I WAS GOING TO GIVE KEVIN & AARON.
BUT THEIR MOTHER SAID NOOOOOOOOOO.
THEY'RE 4&5 I FORGOT KIDS WRITE ON WALLS...

ANYWAY I STARTED RELAXING BY COLORING IN THE
BOOK...I STAYED INSIDE THE LINES TOO.:)

ALL THIS BECAUSE I LOST MY COOL SUNGLASSES.:(
WHAT'S NEXT, CURLING UP IN A FETAL POSITION
IN A CORNER SUCKING MY THUMB?
ARE THE TELETUBBIES STILL ON?
WHAT EVER HAPPENED TO TINKY WINKY
THE ONE WITH THE PURSE, THAT
JERRY FALWELL ATTACKED?

I BETTER FIND THOSE MOTHER F##KING
GLASSES SOON I FEEL MYSELF IN THE
WORDS OF PAUL SIMON"SLIP SLIDING AWAY":(

THE GREATEST PICKUP LINES IN THE WORLD:

I WASN'T GOING TO PUBLISH THESE
BUT I'VE BEEN FEELING ON TOP OF THE
WORLD LATELY...I WONDER WHY?:)
THERE'S A LOT OF LONELY PEOPLE
OUT THERE AND ALL I WANT TO DO
IS HELP YOU HOOK UP.

OBAMA SAYS WE SHOULD ALL DO OUR PART,
TO BRING THIS COUNTRY TOGETHER.
THIS IS ONE OF MY CONTRIBUTIONS.

THERE'S ONLY 3 THAT WILL GET YOU IN THE
DOOR ,SO READ CAREFULLY AND PRACTICE,
PRACTICE,PRACTICE.


1. IF THE OBJECT OF YOUR DESIRE IS
SITTING DOWN...
TELL THEM, DAMN! THAT SURE IS ONE LUCKY CHAIR.
(Let it sink in)

2. YOU'VE JUST MOVED TO THE TOP OF MY
TO DO LIST.

3. GEE, THAT'S A NICE SET OF LEGS, WHAT TIME
DO THEY OPEN?

HAVING THE WISDOM OF SOLOMON IS EXHAUSTING,
WORK IT OUT PEOPLE.:)

WARNING:
I JUST RECEIVED AN EMAIL,WHAT AN ASS...
Michele you are full of shit. I tried #3 and was told the twelfth of never,
how do you explain this miss know it all?

My reply...I forgot to give a warning concerning #3.
You can't be a popcorn player with no game or a scrub..
You can't be a broke down, not working wanna be player.

It's not my fault it didn't work for you,the game is to be
SOLD NOT TOLD!

You went to step 3, when you should have started at step 1.
Michele
P.S.
THEY JUST MIGHT NOT BE INTO YOU!

AMERICAN IDOL...

I LOVE AMERICAN IDOL BUT IT MAKES ME
FEEL VERY INSECURE. I USE TO HAVE A
BEAUTIFUL VOICE,NOW I SING ALONG
AND OH MY GAWD!

JUDGES REVIEW:
RANDY- TAKING HIS GLASSES OFF AND
SWEATING LIKE O.J. IN COURT.APPARENTLY
I WAS KILLING HIM SOFTLY WITH MY SONG...
CLIMBING UNDER THE TABLE AND
CURSING THE DAY HE WAS BORN, OR
WAS IT THE DAY I WAS BORN,I'M NOT SURE...

PAULA- SITTING THERE WITH HER MOUTH
WIDE OPEN,REACHING IN HER PURSE FOR DRUGS.
YET SHE MANAGES TO TELL ME,YOU'LL GO FAR.
SHE'S SO SWEET.:)

SIMON-ARE YOU SERIOUS? REALLY ARE YOU SERIOUS?
YOU CAN'T BE SERIOUS! HE STARTS PLAYING
WITH HIS MAN BOOBS,AND TURNS BEET RED
THEN HE LEAVES THE ROOM .
THANKING ME FOR SPARKING UP HIS
SEX LIFE.
HE GRABS RYAN SEACREST AND STARTS TO
FRENCH KISS HIM.
(Something he's been wanting to do.:)

I WOULD GO ON TO HAVE A CAREER LIKE WILLIAM HUNG,
AND TAYLOR HICKS. SHORT BUT SWEET.:)

WAIT UNTIL YOU HEAR MY RENDITION OF
"LET'S GET IT ON" IT'S LIFE CHANGING".
BELIEVE ME AFTER YOU HEAR ME SING
"LET'S GET IT ON" YOUR LIFE WILL NEVER
BE THE SAME.:)

CRY BABY,CRY BABY SUCK MY MAMAS TIDDY...
OH GAWD! HAVING FLASHBACKS.

I'VE CRIED SO MUCH DURING OBAMA'S
CLIMB TO THE PRESIDENCY THAT I AM
ALL CRIED OUT. I HAVEN'T CRIED THIS
MUCH SINCE MY UNCLE BOB DIED.

NOW I KNOW THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN
CRYING OUT OF GRIEVE, AND CRYING TEARS
OF JOY.:)

10 FACTS ABOUT BARACK OBAMA...

1.HE HAS READ EVERY "HARRY POTTER" BOOK.

2. HE LIKES TO PLAY SCRABBLE AND POKER.

3. HE COLLECTS SPIDERMAN AND CONAN THE
BARBARIAN COMIC BOOKS.

4. HE CAN BENCH PRESS 200lbs.

5.HE USES AN APPLE MAC LAPTOP.

6.HE DOESN'T DRINK COFFEE.

7.HIS SPECIALTY AS A COOK IS CHILLI.

8.HE HAS TRIED POT & COCAINE (HE ADMITS IT).

9.HE HATES THE FASHION OF JEANS SAGGING
BELOW THE BUTT.

10.HE TOOK MICHELLE TO SEE"DO THE RIGHT THING"
ON THEIR FIRST DATE.

THE LETTER:

DEAR MR. PRESIDENT,
I AM SO FILLED WITH JOY AT THIS MOMENT,
I'M ABOUT TO BURST. I THINK OF ALL THE
BLACK PEOPLE WHO HAVE DIED AND NEVER
LIVED TO SEE THIS DAY. I THINK OF MY ANCESTORS,
FAMILY MEMBERS WHO NEVER LIVED TO SEE THIS DAY.

I WAS DISAPPOINTED THAT I DIDN'T GET INVITED TO
YOUR INAUGURATION, BUT THAT'S OKAY, I DIDN'T
HAVE A THING TO WEAR. MY IDEA OF FORMAL WEAR
IS SWEAT PANTS THAT MATCH AND A LEATHER COAT.:)

I KNOW IT IS GOING TO TAKE SOME TIME MAYBE YEARS
BEFORE THIS COUNTRY CAN EXHALE.
IF ANYONE CAN GET US OUT OF THIS MESS, ALL MY
MONEY IS ON YOU.
I SAID IN THE BEGINNING WHEN YOU WON IOWA,
THAT YOU WERE THE ANNOINTED ONE.
IT WAS TIME,IT WAS YOUR TIME,IT WAS OUR TIME,
IT WAS DESTINY.

IF YOU EVER NEED ADVICE ON ANYTHING TEXT ME,
I THINK I KNOW EVERYTHING AND I'M NEVER WRONG
AT LEAST THAT'S WHAT MY MOTHER SAYS.:)
CALL ME,YOU KNOW MY NUMBER, I DON'T UNDERSTAND
HOW YOU TEXT ME ON MY CELL PHONE. THAT'S A
VERY PRIVATE NUMBER RESERVED FOR HOTTIES.

THAT'S OKAY I CONSIDER YOU A HOTTIE NOW!
DON'T BE A STRANGER.:)

ROOM MATES FROM HELL,HELL,HELL...

USUAL SUSPECTS:
TRESA... A SCORPIO PSYCHO BITCH,
I USE TO ASK GOD WHY DID HE BRING
HER INTO MY LIFE.

BROTHER AL... A GUY THAT LEFT EVERY
MORNING WITH A BRIEFCASE, BUT NEVER
COULD COME UP WITH THE RENT.

DAVID...HE RODE A MOTORCYCLE, YEP!
YOU ALWAYS KNEW WHEN DAVID WAS HOME,
AND VARIOUS FAMILY MEMBERS.
IN L.A. I HAD A TWO BEDROOM CRIB WITH 2 BATHS
SO I DECIDED TO RENT OUT A ROOM.
I SHALL PROCEED TO DISSECT THESE NUTS.

TRESA...YOU WERE A PIECE OF WORK, YOU PUT
ALUMINUM ON YOUR WINDOWS. WTF?
YOU ACCUSED ME OF STEALING A SHOWER
CURTAIN, WHEN MY BATHROOMS HAD GLASS DOORS...WTF?
ACCUSATION AFTER ACCUSATION,AND THAT I
WAS GOING IN YOUR ROOM WHILE YOU WERE AT
WORK.
I ALMOST KICKED YOUR ASS ONE NIGHT,OVER THAT SHIT!

BUT I DECIDED TO GET BACK WITH THE PRANK OF
ALL PRANKS. I CUT OPEN ONE OF THOSE SWEEPSTAKES
ENVELOPES, AND TYPED MY OWN LETTER IT LOOKED
VERY PROFESSIONAL. THIS IS WHERE IT GETS GOOD!

SHE GOT HER MAIL OUT THE BOX,I SAW HER
COMING UP THE STAIRS AND SAT OUT IN THE
LIVING ROOM JUST WAITING.

AS USUAL SHE CAME IN WITH A SNEER AND
A SHIT ASS ATTITUDE, SHE WALKED STRAIGHT
TO HER ROOM.I SAT IN THE LIVING ROOM
SIPPING MY VODKA OR WAS I CHUGGING
BEER...I FORGET.

AFTER A FEW MINUTES I HEARD THIS SCREAM,
SHE COMES RUNNING OUT HER ROOM SHOUTING
AND SCREAMING,SHE HAD WON 25,000 DOLLARS.
JUMPING UP AND DOWN IN THE HALL,I ALMOST
FELT BAD FOR A SECOND,BUT QUICKLY GOT
OVER THAT.

OH SHE HAD BIG PLANS TALKING MUCHO SHIT,
UNTIL I HAD TO CRUSH HER DREAMS.
I HAVE A CONSCIENCE, BUT THIS WITCH
DESERVED IT.
YEARS LATER SHE EMAILED ME, SHE HAS
A DIFFERENT LAST NAME. I ASSUME SOME
CRAZY MAN MARRIED THAT FOOL.
IT MUST HAVE NOT LASTED, SHE EMAILED
ASKING DID I HAVE A ROOM TO RENT?

YOU PSYCHO FREAK OF NATURE, I RATHER RENT TO
CHARLES MANSON,JEFFREY DAHMER,SON OF SAM,
RICHARD RAMIREZ,BTK,EVEN SATAN!...ARE YOU
KIDDING? I RATHER ROOM WITH HITLER!
MY ROOMATES MADE SINGLE WHITE FEMALE
LOOK LIKE A LOVE STORY...:(
WAIT UNTIL YOU HEAR ABOUT BROTHER AL,
YOU'LL NEVER WANT A ROOM MATE...

LOVE & MARRIAGE...

I HAVE TWO WOMEN IN MY FAMILY, ONE HAS
BEEN MARRIED 4 TIMES,THE OTHER 3 TIMES.
I'M NOT NAMING NAMES BUT YOU KNOW WHO
YOU ARE. THE REASON YOU DIDN'T VOTE FOR
OBAMA IS BECAUSE YOU HATE BLACK MEN?

EVEN THOUGH YOU WERE MARRIED TO BLACK
MEN. LISTEN UP...YOU PICKED LOSERS, DON'T
COMPARE OBAMA TO YOUR DUMBASS,HUSBANDS.

EXCEPT MY DADDY HE WAS A WAR HERO,
GOOGLE, ALTON BEEKS.:)
THEY SAY BEHIND EVERY GOOD MAN IS A GOOD
WOMAN,SO MAYBE YOU NEED TO LOOK AT YOUR
SHORT COMINGS.

MOST OF THE TIME YOU SETTLED OUT OF LONELINESS
AND DESPERATION.
MY UNCLE BOB HAD A FAVORITE QUOTE,
"TO THYSELF BE TRUE",HE WAS A GOOD MAN.


THERE ARE GOOD BLACK MEN,MICHELLE FOUND ONE.
I GUESS THIS REALLY F**KS UP MY INHERITING
ANY MONEY,BECAUSE YA'LL CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH.
BUT QUOTING DORIS DAY, QUE SERA SERA...
I HAD TO PLAY LIKE AARON NEVILLE AND,
"TELL IT LIKE IT IS"...:)

ARE YOU AN OLD FART?

Older Than Dirt Quiz
Count all the ones that you remember- not the ones you were told about!Ratings at the bottom
Blackjack chewing gum
Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water
Candy cigarettes
Soda pop machines that dispensed bottle
Coffee shops with tableside jukeboxes
Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers
Party lines
Newsreels before the movie
P.F. Flyers
Butch wax
Telephone numbers with a word prefix (Olive - 6933)
Peashooters
Howdy Doody
45 RPM records
S&H Green Stamps
Hi-fi's
Metal ice trays with lever
Mimeograph paper
Blue flashbulb
Packards
Roller skate keys
Cork popguns
Drive-ins
Studebakers
Wash tub wringers
Using hand signals for cars without turn signals
Pant leg clips for bicycles without chain guards
If you remembered 0-5 = You're still young
If you remembered 6-10 = You are getting older
If you remembered 11-15 = Don't tell your age
If you remembered 16-25 = You're older than dirt!
Don't forget to pass this along

HA,HA I'M STILL YOUNG!
I MAY NOT REMEMBER SOME DUE
TO AN ABUSIVE CHILDHOOD.
NOT TO WORRY, I WAS THE ONE
DOING THE ABUSE.;) GAWD I COULDN'T
STAND SNAILS SO I WOULD POUR SALT
ON THEM AND THEY WOULD MELT.
HEY! ALL THE KIDS WERE DOING IT,
DON'T JUDGE ME, I WAS A NORMAL KID.:)

SOME CAUGHT FIRE FLIES,SOME CAUGHT
BUTTERFLIES AND PUT THEM IN A JAR
UNTIL THEY DIED.SOME SADISTIC KIDS
WOULDN'T PUNCH HOLES IN THE TOP.
WHICH MADE THE JAR A DEATH CHAMBER.

DON'T LET ME GET STARTED ON THE NERDS
WHO IMPRISONED ANTS, AND CALLED IT A FARM...

SOME OF US KIDS LIKE TO WATCH SNAILS
MELT,IT WAS FASINATING...
THAT MUST MAKE THE FRENCH
SHUTTER...ESCARGOT MY ASS! YA'LL NASTY.

I STAY YOUNG BY RUNNING AROUND
WITH DRUG DEALERS. THE MAYHEM,
TORTURE AND THREATS KEEPS
YOU ON YOUR TOES.

BESIDES, YOU CROSS DOWNTOWN
MR. BIG BROWN,AND YOU'LL BE
6FT UNDERGROUND.:(

THAT'S OKAY,THAT'S OKAY, THAT' S OKAY!

WELL BY THE CONVERSATIONS I'VE
HAD DURING THE HOLIDAYS, WITH MY
RICH REALATIVES,I'M NOT
GOING TO GET A GOT DAMN THING!

I THINK IT'S CALLED TOUGH LOVE,I DON'T
LIKE TOUGH LOVE, IT'S TOO TOUGH...:(

I KISS SO MUCH ASS AND WHERE DID IT
GET ME ,NO WHERE GOT DAMN IT!

I EVEN TOLD THEM HOW MUCH I LOVED
THEM, WHEN I WAS THINKING HOW
COULD I GET AWAY WITH MURDER,
WITHOUT THAT DAMN CSI COLD BUSTING ME.
THEY'RE SOME SMART BASTARDS...

I'M CAUGHT BETWEEN A ROCK & A HARD PLACE,
AND I'M GETTING SQUISHED BUT,
THAT'S OKAY'THAT'S OKAY,THAT'S OKAY!
IT'S A MANTRA AND IT WORKS FOR ME...
DON'T CRY FOR ME ARGENTINA!

I WILL GET WHAT I DESERVE ONE WAY OR
ANOTHER...OH GAWD! DID I JUST SAY THAT?...

SISTERS...OI VEY!

I'M THE YOUNGEST OF 2 SISTERS,
HOW DID I END UP BEING THE THE
NORMAL ONE?ONE VOTED FOR HILLARY
IN THE PRIMARY YES SHE LIVES
IN NEW YORK CITY SHE CALLS TO BRAG
ABOUT HER OBAMA NIGHTLIGHT,I HAVE LIKE 7
AUTOGRAPHS AND SHE'S EXCITED ABOUT
A NIGHTLIGHT.

THE OTHER ONE CALLS
ASKING DID HER THOUGHTFUL GIFTS SHE
BOUGHT ON QVC HAD ARRIVED.

I TOLD HER THAT QVC HAD PUT
THE WRONG ADDRESS AND WE
DIDN'T GET IT.I CALLED HER BACK
AND SHE WAS BUSY TALKING TO 3 PEOPLE.
I'LL CALL YOU BACK.

THIS EPISODE BROUGHT BACK PAINFUL MEMORIES.
WHEN I WAS A TEENAGER, I WAS GOING THROUGH
A BROKEN HEART FAZE.
I CALLED HER TO TALK ABOUT IT, AND SHE DIDN'T
WANT TO TALK TO ME...YEA I WAS HAMMERED.

THAT WASN'T AN EXCUSE FOR HER TO DISS ME,
I RANTED AND RAVED AND TOLD MOM I WAS GOING
TO KILL HER.
MOM TOLD ME SHE'S BUSY, SHE HAS 5 KIDS.
I COUNTERED BACK WELL, I'M HER BABY SISTER
SHE SHOULD BE THERE FOR ME.

I DON'T KNOW WHY I WENT BERSERK, MAYBE
IT HAD SOMETHING TO DO WITH THE BOOMSFARM
APPLE WINE AND OTHER CHEMICALS.

WE HAVE A GREAT REALATIONSHIP NOW, SHE LIVES
ACROSS THE COUNTRY AND WE GET ALONG FINE.
AS LONG AS I GET A WARNING THAT'S SHE'S CALLING,
I'LL SHOOT UP WHAT I HAVE TO SHOOT UP, DRINK
WHAT I HAVE TO DRINK AND SMOKE WHAT I HAVE TO SMOKE.
THEN AND ONLY THEN CAN WE TALK.
I'M NOT SURE BUT I THINK SHE PREPARES HERSELF
BY TAKING THE 3 V'S... VALIUM,VICODIN&VODKA.


WE BOTH REALIZE THAT IF WE TALK TO EACH OTHER
LONGER THAN 5 MINUTES,OUR HEADS WILL EXPLODE...:)