THE EMAILS I GET...
THEM-YOU WANT TO ENLARGE YOUR PENIS?
WE CAN SHOW YOU HOW,CLICK HERE.

ME-EXCUSE ME,BUT THE 10 INCH STRAP ON
I BOUGHT IS WORKING OUT JUST FINE.
I COULDN'T GET ANY BIGGER OR I WOULD SPLIT
THEM IN HALF,BUT THANKS ANYWAY.

THEM-WANNA MEET? I'M AN ANGEL FACE SHEMALE
VERY LOVELY AND A STUNNING BEAUTY.I LIKE TO
BE KINKY,NASTY,NAUGHTY,SEXY. OVER MY SCREEN
CAME A HELLO,HOW ARE YOU?

ME-WELL IT WASN'T ME THAT'S FOR DAMN SURE.
AS MUCH AS I ADMIRE YOUR TRAITS, I'M GOING
TO HAVE TO PASS ON THIS.
I WOULDN'T KNOW IF I SHOULD BE THE CATCHER
OR PITCHER,THE BANGER OR THE BANGEE...I'M CONFUSED.
I'M FLATTERED THOUGH...MAYBE IN ANOTHER LIFETIME.

THEM-MICHELE I CAN GUARANTEE WITH MY SYSTEM
YOU CAN MAKE THOUSANDS JUST USING YOUR COMPUTER
FROM HOME, IN YOUR PAJAMAS.

ME-HEY! I HAVE 2 VERY RICH REALATIVES, I CAN SIT
IN FRONT OF MY COMPUTER IN MY PJ'S AND GOOGLE,ARE THEY
DEAD YET, ARE THEY DEAD YET,ARE THEY DEAD YET AND
AM I IN THE WILL?
IF THAT DOESN'T WORK OUT, THEN I'LL TRY IT YOUR WAY,
DAMN! I FEEL LIKE CAMPBELL'S...POSSIBILITIES!:)

SPECIAL NOTE:
MY BELOVED REALATIVES I'M JUST KIDDING,I'M NOT
IN THE LEAST BIT INTERESTED IN YOUR MONEY.
REALLY...NO REALLY...OH YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME EH?

I'LL PROVE TO YOU I DON'T CARE, TRY SENDING ME
A MILLION DOLLARS,I'LL SEND IT BACK. OH! NOW
YOU THINK I'M A LIAR? TRY ME,TRY ME,TRY ME.
I DOUBLE DARE YOU!

YOU GUYS MAY HAVE MONEY, BUT I HAVE...THINKING
...THINKING...STILL THINKING...GAWD MY HEAD HURTS
IT HAPPENS WHEN I THINK TOO MUCH.
I'M GOING TO HAVE TO SLEEP ON THIS,
BUT I HAVE SOMETHING GOT DAMNIT!

BESIDES MONEY"CAN'T BUY YOU LOVE" THE BEATLES
SAID IT, SO IT MUST BE TRUE...SO THERE!:)

STILL BITCHING,ABOUT CHRISTMAS GIFTS...

I'M TRYING REAL HARD TO WEAR MY BIG
GIRL PANTIES BUT IT'S NOT EASY.
I KNOW WE'RE LIVING IN A TOUGH
ECONOMY,BUT DAMN THIS IS THE TIME
TO PULL TOGETHER AS A FAMILY
AND GET ME WHAT I WANTED.
YOU EVER HEARD OF SACRIFICE PEOPLE?

A NEW COMPUTER WOULD HAVE BEEN NICE OR
AN iPHONE 3G,BUT I GET A BUNCH OF BULLSHIT.:(
JUST REMEMBER,WHAT GOES AROUND COMES
AROUND AND PAYBACKS A MUTHA!

I'M MAKING MY CHRISTMAS LIST NOW FOR NEXT YEAR,
AND DAMN SKIPPY I'M CHECKING IT TWICE.
SOME WILL GET SWEATERS THAT ARE 2 SIZES TO SMALL,
DON'T YOU HATE IT WHEN THAT HAPPENS?

SOME OF YOU WILL GET THAT LITTLE PET YOU CAN'T LIVE
WITHOUT...THAT'S RIGHT A CHIA PET.
IT'S THE THOUGHT RIGHT?

FOR MY REALATIVES OVER 40,I SEE DEPENDS AND
A CLAPPER UNDER YOUR TREE.
I STILL WILL RESPECT THE ELDERLY.:)

THE REST OF YOU WILL GET YOUR PRESENTS FROM
THE 99cent STORE,IT MIGHT BE A PACK OF PENS THAT
WON'T WRITE THE NEXT DAY. OR YOU COULD END UP
WITH A NICE MERLOT MADE WITH LIGHTER FLUID
AND COW URINE...18% BABY BABY!
YOU'LL HAVE A GREAT TIME YOU JUST WON'T
REMEMBER IT.

YOU'LL THROW UP A FEW ORGANS, BUT THAT'S
THE PRICE YOU PAY,WHEN YOU GIVE ME THINGS
LIKE A BOX OF PREZELS... ARE YOU SERIOUS?
YOU MIGHT AS WELL GAVE ME A BAG OF PEANUTS.

SOMEBODY GAVE ME A BASKET, IT WAS PRETTY,
BUT GOT DAMN! DUMBASS, NEXT TIME PUT
SOMETHING IN IT.
I HAD TO ACT LIKE I WAS GRACIOUS BECAUSE
I HAVE CLASS, BUT I REALLY WANTED
TO SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS...

DAMN! IT WAS LIKE GETTING AN EMPTY BOX,FOR
CHRISTMAS.:(

COMPLAINT DEPARTMENT,AND I DEMAND
SATISFACTION!

I HATE BEING A BITCH ON CHRISTMAS,
BUT ONCE AGAIN I DIDN'T GET WHAT I WANTED.
GOT DAMN IT! I WAS A GOOD GIRL THIS YEAR.

I KISSED MORE ASS THAN HILLARY DID IN THE
PRIMARY. I TOLD PEOPLE THEY WERE LOOKING
GOOD WHEN THEY LOOKED LIKE DEATH WARMED OVER.

I TOLD STUPID PEOPLE THAT THEY WEREN'T STUPID
THEY JUST NEEDED TO GO BACK TO SCHOOL.

I TOLD MOTHERS THAT THEIR BABIES WERE CUTE,
WHEN INSIDE I WAS THINKING WHO DID YOU F##k
TO CREATE THAT!

I EVEN EMAILED WHOOPIE GOLDBERG THAT I THOUGHT
SHE WAS A VERY BEAUTIFUL WOMAN.

I EMAILED GEORGE BUSH AND TOLD HIM THAT I THOUGHT
HE WAS THE GREATEST PRESIDENT OF ALL TIME.

I STOPPED USING THE WORD STUPID IN FRONT OF
MY NIECES KIDS. SHE HAS TAUGHT THEM THAT IT'S
A BAD WORD.
EVEN THOUGH I DON'T AGREE, IT'S NOT A BAD WORD
IT'S JUST NOT A NICE WORD...AND IF YOU CALL SOMEBODY
STUPID YOU MIGHT GET YOUR ASS KICKED. IT'S NOT
A BAD WORD, HELL YOU HAVE A LOT OF STUPID
PEOPLE AND TO NOT RECOGNIZE THAT, WELL YOU'RE
LIVING IN A MAKE BELIEVE WORLD.

I'VE HEARD SPONGEBOB AND JUDGE MATHIS USE
THE WORD STUPID...NOW WHAT CHERYL?
BOY OH BOY I BETTER NOT USE MY FAVORITE
CURSE WORDS,LIKE F##K YOU ,YOU MOTHER F##KIN
SHIT HEAD SON OF A BITCH DICK HEAD.

I HAVE A FEELING IF I TALKED THAT WAY IN
FRONT OF AARON & KEVIN,I WOULD END UP CALLING 911,
BECAUSE SHE WOULD HAVE A HEART ATTACK. THEY'RE
5&6 THEY KNOW CURSE WORDS EVEN NEW ONES THAT
I DON'T KNOW...WTF?

YES SIR REE BOB, I'VE BEEN GOOD THIS YEAR.
I GUESS IT'S ASKING TOO MUCH FOR PEOPLE
WHO LOVE ME AND ADORE ME ENOUGH
TO CHIP IN TO BUY ME A MANSION.
ALL YOU PEOPLE DO IS JUST THINK ABOUT YOURSELVES.

TO MY RICH SISTER IN SOUTH CAROLINA...GROWING UP
YOU OWE ME MONEY FOR ALL THAT BABYSITTING,
I LOVE 'EM BUT YOUR KIDS ARE THE REASON I NEVER
HAD KIDS.

TO MY 3RD OR 5TH COUSIN MARIAH YEA THAT ONE!
YOU OWE ME BECAUSE MY MOTHER BABYSITTED
YOUR FATHER. PLUS I WROTE A SONG CALLED
"HEARTBREAKER" YEARS BEFORE YOU WROTE YOURS.
YOU STOLE IT...YOU HAD A "VISION OF LOVE" MY ASS!

I'VE BENT OVER BACKWARDS,AS FAR
AS THIS FAMILY IS CONCERNED,
AND THAT POSITION HAS
ALWAYS GOTTEN ME IN TROUBLE,WHEN WILL
I LEARN?:(

AS OF NOW YOU'RE ALL OUT OF MY WILL,I'M LEAVING
MY JAR OF QUARTERS & MY OBAMA COLLECTION &
MY ALBUMS TO SOMEONE WHO WILL
APPRECIATE THEM.
KARL THE WINO WHO LIVES IN BACK OF THE
LIQUOR STORE...I'M ALL ABOUT GIVING SOMEONE
THE GLAMOROUS LIFE...YOU ROCK SHEILA E.!

I'LL DO OKAY ,I HAVE IT FROM A SOURCE THAT
I WILL WIN THE LOTTERY SOON...AND THIS SOURCE
PREDICTED THAT OBAMA WOULD WIN, SO IT'S VERY
RELIABLE.IT'S A COUSIN OF A FRIENDS
NEPHEW WHO WAS ONCE MARRIED TO A THIRD
COUSINS AUNTIE WHO WAS RELATED TO ABRAHAMS
BROTHER.IT'S TOTALLY BIBLICAL.:)

AFTER I WIN YOU PEOPLE WILL NOT BE
ABLE TO CONTACT ME, FOR SOME REASON RICH PEOPLE
BECOME INACCESSIBLE.CONVIENTLY MAYBE,
BUT NEVER THE LESS, IT WON'T BE ANY DIFFERENT
WITH ME... BUT KEEP TRYING,YOU MIGHT GET LUCKY,
JENNY MIGHT HAVE MY NUMBER BUT I THINK THAT
NUMBER IS DISCONNECTED.

YOU CAN TRY IT FOR YOURSELF, AS I REMEMBER, IT WAS
867-5309...:)

----------------------I HAVE
--------------------COME HERE
-------------------TO WISH YOU
-----------------MERRY CHRISTMAS
----------------AND ALSO , A HAPPY
----------------NEW YEAR TO YOU FOR
-------------- 2009...... I HOPE THE NEW
--------------YEAR BRINGS YOU LOAD OF
-------------HAPPINESS AND GOOD HEALTH.
------------I HOPE YOU HAVE A NICE DAY ON
-----------CHRISTMAS DAY, FILLED WITH LOTS OF
--------- FAMILY TIME AND OF COURSE EATING
---------LOTS OF NICE FOODS, AND CANDIES. I HOPE
--------THAT SANTA IS GOOD TO YOU AS WELL AND HE
---- BRINGS YOU LOTS OF PRESENTS ON CHRISTMAS DAY.
_________________ XXXXXXXX
_________________ XXXXXXXX
_________________ XXXXXXXX
_________________ XXXXXXXX
_________________ XXXXXXXX

MY CHRISTMAS WISH LIST...
1. A MANSION... I NEED A SERIOUS CRIB,
HOTTIES ARE SO GOT DAMN DEMANDING!

2. A HARLEY... I NEED TO FEEL THE WIND
BLOWING IN MY HAIR, WHAT'S LEFT OF IT.

3. A JAGUAR, JUST BECAUSE...I DESERVE IT
I PAYED MY DUES...I'VE HAD MY SHARE OF
HOOPTIES!

4.A BFF, SORRY PARIS YOU'RE A BIT MUCH,
EVENTUALLY I WOULD STAB YOU IN THE BACK.

5.LAST BUT NOT LEAST...A PIECE ON EARTH,
I MEAN PEACE ON EARTH...:)

ALCOHOL & HAIRSTYLES A GREAT COMBINATION...

I WAS IN A RUT, I ALWAYS WORE
THE SAME STYLE DAY AFTER DAY.
THEN ONE DAY,I HAD BEEN DRINKING
CELEBRATING CHRISTMAS,I START EARLY
DECEMBER 1ST.:)

WHEN NIGHT CAME I WAS SO DAMN SLEEPY
I COULDN'T STAND IT.
I DIDN'T FEEL LIKE ROLLING UP MY HAIR,BUT
I KNEW I HAD TO,OR I WOULD WAKE UP LOOKING
LIKE A COMBINATION OF BUCKWHEAT & DON KING
IN THE MORNING.

SO I MANAGED TO ROLL IT UP,THEN FELL INTO
A DEEP SLEEP,ONLY TO WAKE UP AND VISIT
THE PORCELAIN THRONE. I THINK I THREW UP
AN ORGAN I NEEDED AND WENT BACK TO SLEEP.
ARE YOU A ORGAN DONOR?
IF NOT BECOME ONE...YOU COULD SAVE A LIFE,
BUT I DIGRESS.

MORNING COMES AND I HAVE TO MAKE A FEW RUNS,
SO I START TAKING THE CURLERS OUT.
I HAD CURLS GOING THIS WAY AND THAT WAY,
BUT I DIDN'T CARE I WAS SICK.
I MADE MY RUNS AND DAMN,I GOT COMPLIMENTS
ON MY NEW HAIR STYLE...WTF?

I CAME BACK HOME HAPPY THAT I RECEIVED A FEW
COMPLIMENTS,THEN WENT AND LOOKED IN
THE MIRROR AGAIN. HEY! IT WAS KICKING AND
CERTAINLY DIFFERENT,I FELT LIKE
A NEW PERSON.

I KNOW THE HAIRSTYLIST SECRETS, GET
DRUNK AND GO FOR IT. MICHELLE OBAMA I
CAN GIVE YOU THE BOMB STYLE FOR THE
INAUGURATION 1-20-09,AS LONG AS
YOU'RE BUYING. I PREFER A NICE
CABERNET SAUVIGNON,BUT IN A PINCH
I THINK MAD DOG 20/20 WILL WORK
JUST AS WELL...CALL ME.;)

ARE YOU A CERTIFIED ASSHOLE?
TAKE THE TEST @
www.electricpulp.com/guykawasaki/arse/

DAMNIT ALL! I'M A BORDERLINE CERTIFIED
ASSHOLE,ME THE SWEETEST PERSON ON
EARTH? I THINK EVERYONE HAS A LITTLE
ASSHOLE IN THEM,LITERALLY & FIGURATIVELY.

I HOPE I STILL GET TO HEAVEN, I DON'T THINK
ASSHOLES GO TO HEAVEN. I CAN CHANGE
"YES I CAN",AFTER ALL I'M A BORDERLINE
ASSHOLE. :)

I JUST NEED A SOUL TUNE-UP, AND ONE OF THOSE
THINGS...I FORGET WHAT IT'S CALLED,
OH YEA! A CONSCIENCE.

I USE TO BE A GREAT INVENTOR
BUT SNEAKY BASTARDS STOLE MY IDEAS.

I INVENTED WHAT I CALLED THE PHONE
MUFFLER. YOU PUT THE TALKING END
INSIDE THIS DEVICE I MADE OF CORK AND
RUBBER. SO THE OTHER PERSON COULDN'T
HEAR YOU ON THE OTHER END.
THEN GOT DAMNIT! THE HOLD BUTTON/MUTE
BUTTON CAME ALONG.

I INVENTED THE ROLL DOWN MAP FOR THE CAR,
IT ATTACHED TO THE DASHBOARD.
WHAT POPS UP THAT F**KEN GPS SYSTEM.

I INVENTED INSTANT COFFEE, AS A CHILD I BOILED
WATER PUT SOME GROUNDS IN A CHEESE CLOTH,
AND PORED HOT WATER OVER IT...WALLA! INSTANT COFFEE.
THEN FREEZE DRIED COFFEE CRYSTALS COMES ALONG,
WTF?

I STILL HAVE HIGH HOPES OF COMING UP WITH A GREAT IDEA.
I'M WORKING ON AN INVENTION THAT WOULD LET ME KNOW
WHEN AN ASSHOLE IS AROUND ME. OH SNAP! THAT'S CALLED
INSTINCT...WELL BACK TO THE DRAWING BOARD.

OBAMA 24/7
OKAY, I'M OBSESSED WITH COLLECTING
EVERYTHING OBAMA. I HAVE OBAMA SODA,
BEER,COFFEE,(it's great too),HOT SAUCE
(it's made with habanero peppers)
IT MAKES YOU CRY BUT IT'S SO DAMN GOOD!

I ALSO HAVE A COUPLE OF OBAMA COFFEE
MUGS WITH THE WHOLE FAMILY ON IT.
JUST SO I CAN WAKE UP IN THE MORNING AND
SAY, I'VE HAD COFFEE WITH THE PRESIDENT.

WE'RE WORKING ON A PLAN THAT WILL RID
THE COUNTRY OF STUPID PEOPLE.
MY GAWD! IT'S AN EPIDEMIC,THEY'RE EVERYWHERE!
IT WILL BE A LONELY EXISTENCE WITH JUST
A FEW OF US LEFT, BUT WE HAVE TO TAKE THESE
STEPS NOW,FOR THE SAKE OF THE COUNTRY!

I KNOW IT MAY SEEM I'M DELUSIONAL AND PATHETIC,
BUT I CAN CHANGE...YES I CAN!
HEY! FOR NOW IT FLOATS MY BOAT.

EXCUSE ME, IT'S COFFEE TIME AND THE PRESIDENT ELECT
WANTS TO MEET WITH ME...:)

LET'S PEEK INSIDE THE OBAMA'S BEDROOM...
MARVIN GAYE'S "LET'S GET IT ON" IS
PLAYING.

OBAMA- WHISPERING IN HER EAR
WHO'S YOUR PRESIDENT?

MICHELLE-YOU ARE DADDY...
(HEAVY BREATHING)

OBAMA-I SAID WHO'S YOUR PRESIDENT?

MICHELLE- OH MY GAWD! YOU ARE DADDY...
(VERY HEAVY BREATHING)

OBAMA- WHO'S ALWAYS GOING TO BE YOUR
PRESIDENT, DO YOU LOVE THE PRESIDENT?

MICHELLE- OH I LOVE THE PRESIDENT,
(HOT MONKEY LOVE BREATHING)

OBAMA- SHOW ME HOW MUCH YOU LOVE
THE PRESIDENT...

MICHELLE- OKAY DADDY! I MEAN, MR. PRESIDENT...

THE END.
I GOTTA GO...:)

PRESIDENT OBAMA...
THE REACTIONS ON THE STREETS
THROUGH THE EYES OF THE COOL...

BLACKS -ARE ON CLOUD NINE, THAT'S
EXPECTED,AND THEY DESERVE TO BE.

RACIST WHITES- CAN'T BELIEVE IT, EVERY
MORNING THEY WAKE UP AND PRAY TO DIE
THAN FOR A BLACK MAN TO BE THEIR PRESIDENT.
HEY! YOU HAD 43 PRESIDENTS CAN'T WE HAVE 1
YOU DUMBASS WIPES.
YOU'RE THE TYPE OF JACKASSES WHO WOULD
RE-ELECT BUSH AGAIN IF HE COULD DO A 3RD TERM.

ASIANS-I GOT NOTHING, I NEVER BEEN ABLE TO READ
THEM. ALL I KNOW IS THEY WILL GIVE YOU A BIG SMILE
WHEN YOU'RE HANDING OVER YOUR MONEY.

MEXICANS,HISPANICS WHATEVER,YOU VOTED
FOR HILLARY IN THE PRIMARY,YET HE STILL WON.
THEY ARE PISSED OFF! LA RAZA THIS...
YOU LIKE THE REST OF THE WORLD BELIEVED
THE HYPE ABOUT BLACK PEOPLE BEING BAD.
THE MAJORITY OF BLACK PEOPLE AREN'T
GANG MEMBERS. DON'T JUDGE PEOPLE BY
MAURY,WHO THE BABY DADDY OR JERRY SPRINGER
THOSE ARE OUR LOW LIFES. THEY ARE A MINORITY
WITHIN A MINORITY,AND EVERY RACE HAS THAT.

YOU THOUGHT YOU WERE BETTER BECAUSE THE WHITE
MAN HIRED YOU OVER BLACKS. THE TRUE REASON HE
HIRED YOU IS BECAUSE OF YOUR CHEAP MANUAL LABOR,
NOT BECAUSE YOU'RE INTELLECTS. THERE'S A REASON
YOU'VE NEVER BEEN ON JEOPARDY...DUH!

WHEN I WORKED AT AT&T I WAS TRANSFERRED TO
ANOTHER DEPARTMENT, TO LEARN A NEW PROGRAM.
THIS MEXICAN DUDE SAT IN BACK OF ME TEACHING ME
WHAT TO DO. HE ALSO LIKED TO TELL ME HOW MEXICANS
WERE GOING TO TAKE OVER. I DIDN'T WANT TO HEAR THAT
CRAP, I JUST WANTED TO LEARN THE NEW PROGRAM.

JOSE,MANUEL,ALDOLFO I FORGOT YOUR NAME,
BUT I DO BELIEVE YOU NEED A NEW CRYSTAL BALL.
SCROLL DOWN TO THE END AND TRY MINE,IT'S BEEN
PRETTY ACCURATE. IF YOU ASK IT WILL
THERE EVER BE A HISPANIC PRESIDENT AND
IT SAYS YES,EMAIL ME BECAUSE IT'S BROKE
SI SENIOR.:)